I wish I could say something more helpful - what an awful, tragic situation to be in. I had issues with my own mother (my dad died very young) and because her carer by my teens, but nothing remotely resembling the pressure you are under. We need to hear these voices, and you write well. Hoping you are able to find some joy in life, somwhere. What a huge, unrecognised burden carers carry.
Thank you for sharing this story with us - it's so powerful in telling us what it's like to be a care giver and just how all encompassing it seems to be. I don't envy you the situation at all and want to throw a miracle fix your way somehow. What it seems that you have in your genetic make up though is resilience and it's really a super power - no matter what, you keep on doing what you have to keep on doing. It's going to see you through your life in such positive ways now and in the future :-)
Oh my gawd, Virginia, you are IN IT. I am sitting at my screen with tears in my eyes for you, my heart aching. I recently had to clip my mom's toenails...it was a THING...but now I see how very easy I have it that my mom is still relatively mobile, independent and compos mentis.
I am in awe of your strength, your resilience, your focus. You look amazing because that is how you look, but you ARE strong, powerful and smart. Sending you the biggest hug and good vibes I can. <3
You are an amazing writer and you so vividly convey the difficulties and hardship of being a care giver. The world is peppered with silent people behind the scenes, who do heroic work and keep everything going for Ill members of family and the community but at great expense to themselves. Their work is rarely honoured or even recognised. Unconditional love is the way they live their lives. But they sometimes ignore the need to proportion some of that love to themselves too. It’s vitally important they do but recognition and pathways to facilitate this are often absent
Some things really stand out to me: You should not be carrying this burden on your own
As a gifted communicator, you should look for change , not only for yourself but for the thousands of silent heroes who do similar work with varying degrees of difficulty You all keep the ship sailing but become depleted. We are not supposed to burn out but ‘ burn brightly’
I sincerely hope things can change for you No one should have to shoulder so much on their own. Serious mental health issues is a burden that should be shared and managed.
I wish you well. I wish for some peaceful space that’s a wellspring for joy, help and companionship for you and may you always write. Your pen is the tool for change .
This whole article makes me love and respect you that much more. I also resonate deeply with your story of family struggle and obligation. At what point do we choose ourselves? It’s admirable that you’ve devoted the time that you have. It is interesting you know, when one area of your life is doing well there’s undoubtedly another area that is not. Thank you for sharing. It was emotional and raw and beautifully funny. I also turned 40 this year! Happy Birthday, beauty!!
Happy birthday! Thank you for continuing to share beautiful and meaningful stories about yourself. It's a gift to us. Hope the next year is filled with joy, amazing thrift finds and a bit more ease.
Virginia, you are such a breathtakingly good writer. I am so glad we can enjoy your words here but I can’t help but feeling so many other people should be reading them, too. Your viewpoint and your writing is powerful. I wish our country had a better support system in place, it’s pathetic and unfair. Happy belated birthday. Even if you are so often burnt out, know that you are a shining light for so many.
I'm relatively new to Substack and stumbled upon yours through Sam Baker. Wow... so much resonates. The short version is my mom needs to have "stuff" - not quite hoarder level, but close - no doubt from traumas she's experienced and generationally learned to sweep under the rug. My mom was beaten and nearly suffocated to death by her (now ex) husband when I was a senior in high school. My mom and a couple of my younger siblings survived a house fire (when I was 30 and not living at home). Almost all belongings were burned and lost. For years, my mom has had this seemingly unsatiable need to accumulate things without ever really having the physical space to "collect" (how she perceives her "stuff"). Now, at age 75, my mom lives in a one-bedroom, 900 square feet, one-floor apartment in the Midwest, where the exterior of her end unit has a mulch area that frames a small concrete pad and patio just to the right of her front door. When I pull up and park (to pick my mom up and drive her somewhere), her apartment's yard and patio area, both visible from the parking lot, are chock-full of broken, metal yard-art pieces, falling apart gardening pots, and decorations from holidays passed. On rare occasion, my mom adds something to her outdoor decor that makes me think, "Okay, well, that one isn't so bad." Still, at age 50, I ride a teeter-totter of thoughts and feelings. I try to embrace my logical, up-mantra: "It's her life, not mine. Let it go. So what, she has a lot of crap." But my hidden feelings and down-voice say (and sometimes cry): "Why does my mom live like this? Why can't I have a 'normal' mom?" The truth is, when I'm sitting at the bottom of the teeter-totter, with my feet up, legs crisscrossed, hands gripping that small metal bar, just sitting there on the ground, I am embarrassed by my mom and feel this longing for a loving and nurturing mom (preferably with a tidy home) that I know I'll never have. She simply isn't capable. And I really don't share or talk about any of this (sweep, sweep, under the rug it goes). Virginia, I applaud your bravery and vulnerability in this post. It encourages others to do the same.
I felt every feather picked and every leaf found. Thank you for sharing this. I recognised a lot of what you describe not from personal experience but from working with caregivers and a caregivers respite project I worked on a long time ago.
I am totally amazed at the capabilities you and other caregivers have. You describing your life gives an incredible insight. Thank you for doing this so beautifully. Your sense of humor and self-depreciation made me laugh (which in turn made me feel guilty) but shows how incredibly strong and inspiring you aew. Wishing you une belle journée, from Ardèche.
Oh my goodness reading your work is like a light of recognition. Thank you so much. When I was 16 my mother had a massive accident which left her profoundly brain damaged. She loved for 22 years unable to care for herself or talk or know anything, until I was in my late 30s in 2013. Since then my family has had multiple accidents. It almost becomes embarrassing telling people about them as so many people have been terribly hurt or killed in accidents. It feels like a freak. It’s really helped me to read your words. Thank you so much. Thank you SO much xx
Thank you, Clover. It is strange to come across someone with whom you have such a strange connection — we are bound by something that is, to so many "freakish."
Happy happy birthday, Virginia! Thank you for sharing, what a beautiful and painful piece that resonated with so many- My young son has a brain tumor and caregiver is not for the faint of heart but we carry on. I hope your special day and year is full of good finds, happiness and health!
Virginia, I am so moved. You are truly so extraordinary. The fact that you are a journalist, (very) glamorous influencer, are an expert thrifter and antique hunter, have a handsome BF, travel, and STILL look so lovely, with all of this on your plate, is extraordinary to me! ( AND she cooks! 😆) You are truly amazing. However, I Disagree with you on one thing… I think by taking care of your mom so beautifully, whether it appears like that every day or not, you are truly investing in yourself, as painful and so so difficult as I’m sure it must be… You are truly such a beautiful, strong and loving person. Please know this! So strong, smart and lovely. Thank you for sharing this!
Virginia, how did I miss this piece and what can I say that has not already been said?
First and foremost, you are a wonderfully talented writer — not just because you have a way with words, but because of your honesty (and humor along the way). You’re inspiring, resilient, innovative… and you really *do* look great for your age.
It’s a privilege to follow along with you — your career, your perspective, and your life. Not just the one that’s botoxed and blown out, but the one you live every day. Thank you. Sending you love + care from Northwest Florida. 💕
I have just found you. Fuck-a-duck. I’m close to speechless. Thank you for your rawness and pared-to-the-bone honesty. This must have been as cathartic as it was painful to write.
I can relate to what you wrote in a very small way - it was exhausting for me, but I cannot imagine how it must be for you - or how it was for your grandmother. Philip Larkin wasn’t wrong when he wrote ‘Man hands on misery to man/It deepens like a coastal shelf’. It wasn’t your mother’s fault, nor your grandmother’s, nor yours… yet here you are. It’s fallen to you.
Happy belated birthday, Virginia. It’s not all leaves and feathers, even when it feels as though it might be. Sending much love, from one stranger to another. xxx
Thank you for sharing this, Virginia. It’s incredibly important that your story is heard. Not just for you but for others as well. I don’t know how you are doing it, but I get it. You must. Hugs. B
I wish I could say something more helpful - what an awful, tragic situation to be in. I had issues with my own mother (my dad died very young) and because her carer by my teens, but nothing remotely resembling the pressure you are under. We need to hear these voices, and you write well. Hoping you are able to find some joy in life, somwhere. What a huge, unrecognised burden carers carry.
Thank you for sharing this story with us - it's so powerful in telling us what it's like to be a care giver and just how all encompassing it seems to be. I don't envy you the situation at all and want to throw a miracle fix your way somehow. What it seems that you have in your genetic make up though is resilience and it's really a super power - no matter what, you keep on doing what you have to keep on doing. It's going to see you through your life in such positive ways now and in the future :-)
Oh my gawd, Virginia, you are IN IT. I am sitting at my screen with tears in my eyes for you, my heart aching. I recently had to clip my mom's toenails...it was a THING...but now I see how very easy I have it that my mom is still relatively mobile, independent and compos mentis.
I am in awe of your strength, your resilience, your focus. You look amazing because that is how you look, but you ARE strong, powerful and smart. Sending you the biggest hug and good vibes I can. <3
You are an amazing writer and you so vividly convey the difficulties and hardship of being a care giver. The world is peppered with silent people behind the scenes, who do heroic work and keep everything going for Ill members of family and the community but at great expense to themselves. Their work is rarely honoured or even recognised. Unconditional love is the way they live their lives. But they sometimes ignore the need to proportion some of that love to themselves too. It’s vitally important they do but recognition and pathways to facilitate this are often absent
Some things really stand out to me: You should not be carrying this burden on your own
As a gifted communicator, you should look for change , not only for yourself but for the thousands of silent heroes who do similar work with varying degrees of difficulty You all keep the ship sailing but become depleted. We are not supposed to burn out but ‘ burn brightly’
I sincerely hope things can change for you No one should have to shoulder so much on their own. Serious mental health issues is a burden that should be shared and managed.
I wish you well. I wish for some peaceful space that’s a wellspring for joy, help and companionship for you and may you always write. Your pen is the tool for change .
This whole article makes me love and respect you that much more. I also resonate deeply with your story of family struggle and obligation. At what point do we choose ourselves? It’s admirable that you’ve devoted the time that you have. It is interesting you know, when one area of your life is doing well there’s undoubtedly another area that is not. Thank you for sharing. It was emotional and raw and beautifully funny. I also turned 40 this year! Happy Birthday, beauty!!
Happy birthday! Thank you for continuing to share beautiful and meaningful stories about yourself. It's a gift to us. Hope the next year is filled with joy, amazing thrift finds and a bit more ease.
Virginia, you are such a breathtakingly good writer. I am so glad we can enjoy your words here but I can’t help but feeling so many other people should be reading them, too. Your viewpoint and your writing is powerful. I wish our country had a better support system in place, it’s pathetic and unfair. Happy belated birthday. Even if you are so often burnt out, know that you are a shining light for so many.
Lindsay you are so kind ❤️
❤️
I'm relatively new to Substack and stumbled upon yours through Sam Baker. Wow... so much resonates. The short version is my mom needs to have "stuff" - not quite hoarder level, but close - no doubt from traumas she's experienced and generationally learned to sweep under the rug. My mom was beaten and nearly suffocated to death by her (now ex) husband when I was a senior in high school. My mom and a couple of my younger siblings survived a house fire (when I was 30 and not living at home). Almost all belongings were burned and lost. For years, my mom has had this seemingly unsatiable need to accumulate things without ever really having the physical space to "collect" (how she perceives her "stuff"). Now, at age 75, my mom lives in a one-bedroom, 900 square feet, one-floor apartment in the Midwest, where the exterior of her end unit has a mulch area that frames a small concrete pad and patio just to the right of her front door. When I pull up and park (to pick my mom up and drive her somewhere), her apartment's yard and patio area, both visible from the parking lot, are chock-full of broken, metal yard-art pieces, falling apart gardening pots, and decorations from holidays passed. On rare occasion, my mom adds something to her outdoor decor that makes me think, "Okay, well, that one isn't so bad." Still, at age 50, I ride a teeter-totter of thoughts and feelings. I try to embrace my logical, up-mantra: "It's her life, not mine. Let it go. So what, she has a lot of crap." But my hidden feelings and down-voice say (and sometimes cry): "Why does my mom live like this? Why can't I have a 'normal' mom?" The truth is, when I'm sitting at the bottom of the teeter-totter, with my feet up, legs crisscrossed, hands gripping that small metal bar, just sitting there on the ground, I am embarrassed by my mom and feel this longing for a loving and nurturing mom (preferably with a tidy home) that I know I'll never have. She simply isn't capable. And I really don't share or talk about any of this (sweep, sweep, under the rug it goes). Virginia, I applaud your bravery and vulnerability in this post. It encourages others to do the same.
I felt every feather picked and every leaf found. Thank you for sharing this. I recognised a lot of what you describe not from personal experience but from working with caregivers and a caregivers respite project I worked on a long time ago.
I am totally amazed at the capabilities you and other caregivers have. You describing your life gives an incredible insight. Thank you for doing this so beautifully. Your sense of humor and self-depreciation made me laugh (which in turn made me feel guilty) but shows how incredibly strong and inspiring you aew. Wishing you une belle journée, from Ardèche.
Oh my goodness reading your work is like a light of recognition. Thank you so much. When I was 16 my mother had a massive accident which left her profoundly brain damaged. She loved for 22 years unable to care for herself or talk or know anything, until I was in my late 30s in 2013. Since then my family has had multiple accidents. It almost becomes embarrassing telling people about them as so many people have been terribly hurt or killed in accidents. It feels like a freak. It’s really helped me to read your words. Thank you so much. Thank you SO much xx
Thank you, Clover. It is strange to come across someone with whom you have such a strange connection — we are bound by something that is, to so many "freakish."
Happy happy birthday, Virginia! Thank you for sharing, what a beautiful and painful piece that resonated with so many- My young son has a brain tumor and caregiver is not for the faint of heart but we carry on. I hope your special day and year is full of good finds, happiness and health!
Oh Natalie, I am so sorry to hear about your son. I hope you are taking care of yourself as best you can.
Virginia, I am so moved. You are truly so extraordinary. The fact that you are a journalist, (very) glamorous influencer, are an expert thrifter and antique hunter, have a handsome BF, travel, and STILL look so lovely, with all of this on your plate, is extraordinary to me! ( AND she cooks! 😆) You are truly amazing. However, I Disagree with you on one thing… I think by taking care of your mom so beautifully, whether it appears like that every day or not, you are truly investing in yourself, as painful and so so difficult as I’m sure it must be… You are truly such a beautiful, strong and loving person. Please know this! So strong, smart and lovely. Thank you for sharing this!
You are way too kind (hiring you to tell me these things every morning when I get out of bed)
You’re the BEST! ( and I work cheap 😆)
Virginia, how did I miss this piece and what can I say that has not already been said?
First and foremost, you are a wonderfully talented writer — not just because you have a way with words, but because of your honesty (and humor along the way). You’re inspiring, resilient, innovative… and you really *do* look great for your age.
It’s a privilege to follow along with you — your career, your perspective, and your life. Not just the one that’s botoxed and blown out, but the one you live every day. Thank you. Sending you love + care from Northwest Florida. 💕
I have just found you. Fuck-a-duck. I’m close to speechless. Thank you for your rawness and pared-to-the-bone honesty. This must have been as cathartic as it was painful to write.
I can relate to what you wrote in a very small way - it was exhausting for me, but I cannot imagine how it must be for you - or how it was for your grandmother. Philip Larkin wasn’t wrong when he wrote ‘Man hands on misery to man/It deepens like a coastal shelf’. It wasn’t your mother’s fault, nor your grandmother’s, nor yours… yet here you are. It’s fallen to you.
Happy belated birthday, Virginia. It’s not all leaves and feathers, even when it feels as though it might be. Sending much love, from one stranger to another. xxx
Thank you Tracie ❤️
💗 sending love and light to you.
Thank you for sharing this, Virginia. It’s incredibly important that your story is heard. Not just for you but for others as well. I don’t know how you are doing it, but I get it. You must. Hugs. B